Last weekend we got to celebrate the first birthday of my youngest child! It was an incredible party. Many good and old friends showed up, lots of family, and she was blessed w/ lots of gifts! I as her mother wanted to be the one to give my baby her gifts and stand there next to her to give her cake. So naturally I handed my camera off to our trust worthy, awesome babysitter who is much of a photographer herself! When i got my camera back I was so excited about flipping through the pictures....until.....
There they were pictures with me in them. I was totally disgusted and ashamed of myself. These are pictures you want to be able to share with everyone. It's her FIRST birthday. If you don't know me well, then i must tell you that first birthday's are like gold to me and they deserve to be celebrated like the my babies are the masters of the house! So i got this genius idea to just edit myself out of all of the pics. it's easy, won't take long and no one will ever have to know.....except me.
I have spent the better part of 24 years over weight. I was blessed to spend my high school years at a very decent weight! I wish daily i could go back to that! (But the way i got there was NOT a healthy way of doing so.) Plus, I'm just so READY to not be ashamed of pictures.
Then i thought of something! Those pictures are the PERFECT before pictures!! all i have to do is keep them under wraps till i get to where i want to be and then I will be proud of those pictures because they will be proof of my hard work.
Two things could have happened last week when i looked through those pictures. 1) i could have gotten extremely discouraged, given up, and said forget it, this is who I am and i'm stuck like this. 2) I could say you know what, I'm doing my best right now. Since Jan 2 i have exercised everyday but two, which were my scheduled break days. I have been monitoring my eating and counting calories. It will take time to reach my goals. It's not something i can reach in two weeks.
I keep reminding myself that even when i was at my lowest weight i still had those pictures that i was ashamed of. I still had those moments that i felt fat. I think it's just part of being a woman. The trick is to become more and more comfortable in myself and who I am.
My dream is to be healthy. My dream is to take pictures of my WHOLE family around my 30th birthday! My dream is to look in the mirror and be proud of me, for who i am, for what i have accomplished, for just being me! My fears.....failing....failing to meet any of the above mentioned dreams. Failure to be happy with me as me no matter what! I don't dream of being "skinny" Honestly I dream of being healthy....I dream of taking wedding pictures at Myk's child's wedding....I dream of being alive and healthy on that day. I dream of "dancing the funky chicken at my 75th wedding aniversary"(sunscreen song)...But i can't do that living the way i live now. I can't do that being lazy....there are way to many health issues that haunt my family history for me to even RISK the chance of eating what i want and not exercising. I have to take care of myself, for my family's sake, for my sake, for God's sake. I have been called to do something amazing with my life....It's time i grab control of my life and do that. That is what I am doing. That is why i'm writing these blogs to remind myself when i feel down, or discouraged, or lost in the idea of giving up! I can remember how amazing i feel right now that i have been so dedicated to exercise and eating healthy. I'm excited to wake up and look in the mirror in November! I'm excited to reach my goals!!!!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
spandex and sports bras
Well i've done it...i've stuck to exercising for two whole days!! This is big...might not seem like it, but it is! I feel good...no i feel great even through the aching muscles!! But i have learned something in my two days of moving forward (today being day three). I've learned why on biggest loser they always wear spandex and sports bras!!
This is not the first time i have worked out! I know the rules, i know the routines, i know the stretches, reps, and lengths....but apparently i had forgot somethings! I had forgot that when fat people jump, their flab bangs together and makes the most horrible sound on the planet! Thus the need for spandex!! I have heard so many people say "fat people in spandex should be kicked out of the gym....blah blah blah" Okay you skinny folk! Next time i find myself in a gym, i'm going to wear NO spandex and let YOU listen to my fat flabby sounds!!
Then as Chris and I were going right along with the video, we were in the motion of doing mountain climbers and the trainer says "i know that right now you are thinking this would make the perfect time to quit but stick with it..." I turned to my loving hubby who is walking this out with me and said (thru pants mind you) "I ain't thinking that, i'm thinking Holy Crap WHY DIDN'T I PUT ON A SPORTS BRA, i'm suffocating myself" Okay that maybe tmi BUT i have a purpose!
As i was thinking about that whole senerio during prayer the next day i thought you know God, how many of us get so super excited about the dreams, idea's and directions you have given us and we get out of bed and jump right into action. We have a purpose and determination to meet your goals and visions and we just go for it full force with out first properly prepping for what's ahead. Do we daily get up and put on our armour? How many of us actually get stabbed in the heart by words of a fellow man simply because we don't have on our breastplate. I know so many times i have caught myself half way through the day cranky, or edgy, or just not myself. and i realize i didnt' even say Good morning God that day. YOu say a quick prayer and suddenly you feel a little more at peace, like you can face teh world....or at least the next 30 mins. My new prayer has not been Jesus help me get through today, it's been God wake me up, prep me in your ways, put on my correct armor and guide me in the ways i should go! I don't want to get caught in the middle of this fleshly war we fight w/out His presence wrapped all around me! I HAVE to have CHRIST as the center of my life....i have too much life drama around me not to! I found it is important to be properly dressed in His will and glorious outfits before i step foot on my floor in the AM!!!
OH and PS...I wore spandex and a sports bra the next day!! :-D
This is not the first time i have worked out! I know the rules, i know the routines, i know the stretches, reps, and lengths....but apparently i had forgot somethings! I had forgot that when fat people jump, their flab bangs together and makes the most horrible sound on the planet! Thus the need for spandex!! I have heard so many people say "fat people in spandex should be kicked out of the gym....blah blah blah" Okay you skinny folk! Next time i find myself in a gym, i'm going to wear NO spandex and let YOU listen to my fat flabby sounds!!
Then as Chris and I were going right along with the video, we were in the motion of doing mountain climbers and the trainer says "i know that right now you are thinking this would make the perfect time to quit but stick with it..." I turned to my loving hubby who is walking this out with me and said (thru pants mind you) "I ain't thinking that, i'm thinking Holy Crap WHY DIDN'T I PUT ON A SPORTS BRA, i'm suffocating myself" Okay that maybe tmi BUT i have a purpose!
As i was thinking about that whole senerio during prayer the next day i thought you know God, how many of us get so super excited about the dreams, idea's and directions you have given us and we get out of bed and jump right into action. We have a purpose and determination to meet your goals and visions and we just go for it full force with out first properly prepping for what's ahead. Do we daily get up and put on our armour? How many of us actually get stabbed in the heart by words of a fellow man simply because we don't have on our breastplate. I know so many times i have caught myself half way through the day cranky, or edgy, or just not myself. and i realize i didnt' even say Good morning God that day. YOu say a quick prayer and suddenly you feel a little more at peace, like you can face teh world....or at least the next 30 mins. My new prayer has not been Jesus help me get through today, it's been God wake me up, prep me in your ways, put on my correct armor and guide me in the ways i should go! I don't want to get caught in the middle of this fleshly war we fight w/out His presence wrapped all around me! I HAVE to have CHRIST as the center of my life....i have too much life drama around me not to! I found it is important to be properly dressed in His will and glorious outfits before i step foot on my floor in the AM!!!
OH and PS...I wore spandex and a sports bra the next day!! :-D
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Choosing to Face 2012
For so many years I have dreaded the idea of 2012 coming around. Here I am now staring it straight in the face... See 2012 means turning 30....30 has always scared me for some reason. 20's your young, 40's your mature, 30's your what? Stuck inbetween young and mature?? Sometimes i think being able to say I'm thirty will gain me a little respect, but then i think, i don't want respect because of a number, i want respect because of character.
Character...now there's a whole other topic....Has Christ built up His character in me, or have I hindered that from happening? Have i caused myself to shine through or have i stepped out of the light enough so the true author of the story has a chance to shine! God KNOWS i desire nothing more then for Him to be my everything. I want him to be the reason i function....But i have seen my character flaws a lot lately. I pray He takes His giant sewing needle and sews the flaws together so that His grace and mercy shine through, not my pride and arrogance!
My Birthday isn't until November....Seems so far away as i sit here on Jan 3rd typing, but it's not. 10 VERY short months, that will fly by and i will be 30. I'm not as scared anymore. After watching Home Alone like 50 times this season, i feel like Kevin screaming at the top of his lungs, "I'm not afraid anymore, you hear me I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!!!" Bring on 30! I still have time to reach some of those goals i was determined to reach before i turn 30!
For example, I have the family i always thought i would. I don't have a Masters, or even a Bachelor's but i'm well on my way of getting them! I may no longer look like i did while in High School, but i have set goals to change my life style and become healthy again! I have recently discovered that i am allergic to wheat, corn, soy, and peanuts....well i have known since i was 8 that i was allergic to peanuts. my allergist told me to eat what i was allergic to while on the shots and it would build my immune system...apparently it didn't work. I have stopped eating wheat and peanuts which has been an adventure. And sadly i must admit that i haven't really STOPPED altogether. i have tried but it's almost impossible when you're on vacation to make sure everythign doesn't have wheat. But i have learned it does make me sick to eat it! All this rambling to say that i'm doing whatever i can to become healthy. I lost 12 pounds in just 2 weeks after deleting wheat from my diet. and that's without doing anything else!!
So all that to say, i have started this blog for myself...to walk myself through the next 10 months of trial and error! I am setting new goals. I am finally facing the dreams i have always wanted to. I'm not chasing them because that idicates that they are moving and i have to run to keep up...nope my dreams have been there always, within arms reach just waiting to be tackled. all i am required to do is quit running from my fears in circles around my dreams. I have to stop, ignore my fears, and face my dreams, then i can achieve them. I will achieve them! I am MORE then capable w/ Christ as my strength, I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! Watch out Jen, the REAL you is about to come forth!
Character...now there's a whole other topic....Has Christ built up His character in me, or have I hindered that from happening? Have i caused myself to shine through or have i stepped out of the light enough so the true author of the story has a chance to shine! God KNOWS i desire nothing more then for Him to be my everything. I want him to be the reason i function....But i have seen my character flaws a lot lately. I pray He takes His giant sewing needle and sews the flaws together so that His grace and mercy shine through, not my pride and arrogance!
My Birthday isn't until November....Seems so far away as i sit here on Jan 3rd typing, but it's not. 10 VERY short months, that will fly by and i will be 30. I'm not as scared anymore. After watching Home Alone like 50 times this season, i feel like Kevin screaming at the top of his lungs, "I'm not afraid anymore, you hear me I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!!!" Bring on 30! I still have time to reach some of those goals i was determined to reach before i turn 30!
For example, I have the family i always thought i would. I don't have a Masters, or even a Bachelor's but i'm well on my way of getting them! I may no longer look like i did while in High School, but i have set goals to change my life style and become healthy again! I have recently discovered that i am allergic to wheat, corn, soy, and peanuts....well i have known since i was 8 that i was allergic to peanuts. my allergist told me to eat what i was allergic to while on the shots and it would build my immune system...apparently it didn't work. I have stopped eating wheat and peanuts which has been an adventure. And sadly i must admit that i haven't really STOPPED altogether. i have tried but it's almost impossible when you're on vacation to make sure everythign doesn't have wheat. But i have learned it does make me sick to eat it! All this rambling to say that i'm doing whatever i can to become healthy. I lost 12 pounds in just 2 weeks after deleting wheat from my diet. and that's without doing anything else!!
So all that to say, i have started this blog for myself...to walk myself through the next 10 months of trial and error! I am setting new goals. I am finally facing the dreams i have always wanted to. I'm not chasing them because that idicates that they are moving and i have to run to keep up...nope my dreams have been there always, within arms reach just waiting to be tackled. all i am required to do is quit running from my fears in circles around my dreams. I have to stop, ignore my fears, and face my dreams, then i can achieve them. I will achieve them! I am MORE then capable w/ Christ as my strength, I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! Watch out Jen, the REAL you is about to come forth!
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