Last weekend we got to celebrate the first birthday of my youngest child! It was an incredible party. Many good and old friends showed up, lots of family, and she was blessed w/ lots of gifts! I as her mother wanted to be the one to give my baby her gifts and stand there next to her to give her cake. So naturally I handed my camera off to our trust worthy, awesome babysitter who is much of a photographer herself! When i got my camera back I was so excited about flipping through the pictures....until.....
There they were pictures with me in them. I was totally disgusted and ashamed of myself. These are pictures you want to be able to share with everyone. It's her FIRST birthday. If you don't know me well, then i must tell you that first birthday's are like gold to me and they deserve to be celebrated like the my babies are the masters of the house! So i got this genius idea to just edit myself out of all of the pics. it's easy, won't take long and no one will ever have to know.....except me.
I have spent the better part of 24 years over weight. I was blessed to spend my high school years at a very decent weight! I wish daily i could go back to that! (But the way i got there was NOT a healthy way of doing so.) Plus, I'm just so READY to not be ashamed of pictures.
Then i thought of something! Those pictures are the PERFECT before pictures!! all i have to do is keep them under wraps till i get to where i want to be and then I will be proud of those pictures because they will be proof of my hard work.
Two things could have happened last week when i looked through those pictures. 1) i could have gotten extremely discouraged, given up, and said forget it, this is who I am and i'm stuck like this. 2) I could say you know what, I'm doing my best right now. Since Jan 2 i have exercised everyday but two, which were my scheduled break days. I have been monitoring my eating and counting calories. It will take time to reach my goals. It's not something i can reach in two weeks.
I keep reminding myself that even when i was at my lowest weight i still had those pictures that i was ashamed of. I still had those moments that i felt fat. I think it's just part of being a woman. The trick is to become more and more comfortable in myself and who I am.
My dream is to be healthy. My dream is to take pictures of my WHOLE family around my 30th birthday! My dream is to look in the mirror and be proud of me, for who i am, for what i have accomplished, for just being me! My fears.....failing....failing to meet any of the above mentioned dreams. Failure to be happy with me as me no matter what! I don't dream of being "skinny" Honestly I dream of being healthy....I dream of taking wedding pictures at Myk's child's wedding....I dream of being alive and healthy on that day. I dream of "dancing the funky chicken at my 75th wedding aniversary"(sunscreen song)...But i can't do that living the way i live now. I can't do that being lazy....there are way to many health issues that haunt my family history for me to even RISK the chance of eating what i want and not exercising. I have to take care of myself, for my family's sake, for my sake, for God's sake. I have been called to do something amazing with my life....It's time i grab control of my life and do that. That is what I am doing. That is why i'm writing these blogs to remind myself when i feel down, or discouraged, or lost in the idea of giving up! I can remember how amazing i feel right now that i have been so dedicated to exercise and eating healthy. I'm excited to wake up and look in the mirror in November! I'm excited to reach my goals!!!!
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